Central Vietnam Reflection

Our EAP field trip to Central Vietnam was an absolutely amazing experience.  I went to places I had never dreamed of going and had wonderful experiences I hope to never forget.  One of the most pivotal points however occurred during the side trip that a group of us took to the De-Militarized Zone (DMZ) and surrounding, relative areas.  On this trip we went to a former US military base and airport called Khe Sanh.  Here occurred many epic battles before it was finally destroyed. 

A more inspiring entry (sorry it is sideways)

During our visit to the small museum they had on site I decided to look at the comment book that had been left for visitors to sign.  There the fight that ended thirty years ago still continues in an epic battle that involves people from all over the world.  Many of the comments I couldn’t read for they were written in foreign languages, but many I could and a vast majority of those were extremely opinionated and, I felt, extremely offensive to both the Northern/all Vietnamese and US troops and peoples.  Some notable ones I can still remember include a comment from a former US military officer who stated that he had seen his brothers die at Khe Sanh and that they had in fact really won the battle there, which I feel would be very insulting to the Vietnamese forces who really did defeat the intruding American forces.  And yet another was written by a citizen from a country who I cannot remember at the moment but was not involved in the conflict that stated, “All Americans speak with a forked tongue, do not trust them.”  Personally I was extremely hurt by this comment and though I know a rather negative perception of Americans precede us, it was still extremely upsetting to read.  But there were some very inspiring entries and it felt good that even those who were directly involved in the conflict could speak about it in more understanding and/or calm manner than most.

This experience really made me feel more conscious about the outward image that I portray, because as people have said, wherever I go outside of my country I am basically an American ambassador and representative.  Hopefully the person who wrote that comment has met anomalies to their perception to make them realize how wrong it would be to generalize about a group of people like that, especially a couple generations after the Vietnamese War conflict. 

It was also very jarring when I stepped outside of the museum to find a man selling found American dog tags and Southern Vietnamese war medals.  I am not positive of their authenticity but the fact that they were all being sold as souvenirs was also very painful and I hope to whatever higher power that they are fakes. 

But I don’t want it to sound like this one day overshadowed the rest of the trip because there is absolutely nothing that could do that.  I mean, I visited a 12-story Quan Am in the most beautiful temple complex that has probably ever existed.  We were able to spend the night and celebrate in a Bahnar village, where the people were so kind and accommodating, even when tragedy struck their community.  I think our EAP group was able to connect in new ways and learn to deal with each other in the most fabulous way after having to basically live together 24/7 for 10 straight days.  This was definitely a trip I will never be able to forget.

Thanh Xuan Peace Village - Ethics

This past week at Thanh Xuan was a tumultuous one. On Monday it was raining so the time usually spent outdoors was spent inside, and emotions were running high. A girl Yen, who usually is very friendly and firey, was upset with our whole group, saying that we didn’t play with her enough so she spent most of the day saying she hated people. Another boy Tho was trying to amuse us and himself which ended up angering another girl Hien, to the point where she was ready for a physical confrontation. The situation had to be diffused by us, but mostly was Peter’s doing as he captured the girl’s hearts (literally) by saying that he loved them whenever any negative feelings were thrown his way.
All this was compounded by the fact that Mai and I received another lecture from our teacher, this time about how the Vietnamese grandparents in the states killed many of the Vietnamese grandparents here in Vietnam, and again talking about how upon their return to Vietnam they’re bringing in the bad influence of foreigners. And again, despite how this teacher can say such revolting and hurtful comments to those trying to help her (saying that we’re only trying to pay reparations for what out country did to Vietnam in the past) she is very, very good to the children. I still feel guilty for leaving the other class we had previously helped, where many of the children couldn’t speak or were not understandable and where the teacher spent most of her time on the phone or reading the newspaper. That decision is not in line with my usual ethic standing where I would stay where I was placed and try to help the children that I was assigned to, and not move to somewhere where I would feel more comfortable. I feel as if I abandoned those children, and though I still see some of them after classes get out, I can tell some of them are starting not to recognize me anymore.
When I began working at Thanh Xuan I heavily questioned their ethics, especially when it seems that they do not want our actual physical help, or when children would be given water from a bucket in a corner. But as I got to know the organization more, and began to develop my relationships with the people there I feel more welcomed physically into the space, though I still question the difficulty of getting water (because it is constantly being asked for). I understand that the large water bottles were probably messed with, effectively wasting more water than helping, but a bucket in the corner that the kids stick their dirty hands in does not feel like a viable solution to me, especially when this is water for children that have the most difficulty communicating. If anything there should at least be a class water break time where they can all go get water at the same supervised time, minimizing waste and ensuring that the kids do not get dehydrated on very hot days.

Homesickness

Lately I have really been trying to think about why I am here in Vietnam. I thought that I knew what I was here for, but events that have occurred since my arrival have made me begin questioning, though not doubting, myself and my purpose. Somehow I am feeling like my presence here is less and less valid, and I’m starting to feel like more of a foreigner. I can’t understand or communicate the way I want to with most people so its making it hard to develop the kinds of connections I was hoping I’d be able to make. I am tired of feeling like a foreign tourist and being treated like one, but I cannot think of a way out of it. I’m trying to get more connected to the community by volunteering, and I think I’m starting to get close to some of the kids, but the teacher we work with has managed to make me feel welcome in the classroom but very very unwelcome in the organization and in Vietnam in general. And the visible poverty here is just crazy. My father, who has been traveling for work for years, warned me about how the poverty in “developing” countries can be so intensely shocking and it has been, wit the feelings growing greater every day. I know that this should make me feel more grateful for what I have, but instead I have just been feeling increasingly guilty for the sometimes petty things I worry about at home. And even the things I worry about that are not-so-petty like how to find work, get money and eat, and what will happen with my family seem to pale in comparison to the problems that people who live under the poverty line face daily. I’m walking around Hanoi thinking, “wow this is a wonderful city, what shall I do next?”, while I’m passing many people who are wondering what they can do to sustain their families. I’ve never really had to confront this side of humanity so blatantly before. I think one of Irene's friend's comments encompasses this feeling saying that in America we try to hide the bad and only show the beautiful, and that it is the opposite in Vietnam where the beautiful is kept hidden in private; and while this may not be applicable in every case, I feel this is generally true. While there are homeless and very poor people in America, this is a completely different story.
I came here thinking that this experience could expand my horizons and make me a more worldly person (which again makes me feel guilty for coming all the way here for such reasons), but the globalization class I am taking is constantly targeting my home culture. This makes me very angry and defensive, even though I know that some of it is true. Writing my midterm essay for that class made me realize that what people are angry about is the spread of American consumerism, which is heavily ingrained in American culture but is not all of it, so it is very difficult to be in a class where your culture is targeted daily. And its even more infuriating when this idea came from the very reader I was supplied with in order to write that paper, but I am still faced with direct confrontations from the TA.
And on a more sensitive note, I knew before I came here that all the Vietnamese-American students would probably have more of a personal connection with this trip and their experiences, which I am completely fine with, but I feel that some think less of people who are here for less emotional purposes. Even though I know many of them are struggling with their own experiences here as well. Hopefully this is just a passing whim, but occasionally I get feelings of…inferiority, which are just amplified by the fact that everything here is new to me and I can’t understand words/signs/jokes/mannerisms/etc.
As a result of all this I’ve started to feel a little homesick. Not exactly wanting to return home, but a want to feel more comfortable just living.

Thanh Xuan Peace Village - Relationships

This week at Thanh Xuan Mai and I were actually able to do something more with the kids than sit in a room and play with blocks. We had a different teacher guiding the classroom, and though she was much more strict she was actually more involved with the kids. She told them a story, we sang songs (the English ones I had to lead), and Mai and I were even allowed to take a couple of the kids outside. She had a much better relationship (meaning one at all) then the previous teacher who was there all last week and this Monday. However, she did have a rather passive aggressive tirade basically against Mai and myself talking about Viet Kieu and how they are traitors and now are responsible for bringing the foreigners in which is extremely detrimental to Vietnamese society. It was really rather awkward, even to me and I did not understand 95% of what was said, though I could get the gist through occasional words and body language, so I can't even imagine how Mai must have felt. As horrible as that conversation was I really hope to keep a good relationship with this teacher because she actually kept the kids, and us, relatively entertained. She is also the only adult who I have been able to speak to, though that might be mostly for linguistic reasons.
As far as my relationship with my fellow volunteers has been going, I really enjoy the company of our EAP group at Thanh Xuan. I think we all really want to have a personal connection with these kids despite all the obstacles trying to prevent us from really making a place for ourselves at this organization. Even outside of Thanh Xuan we're getting really close and it's nice that we can bring that solidarity into our volunteering.

Week 4: Interviews and Reflections

This week we began the interview process for Project Kiem An and I was present for our first interview with a friend of Lena's sister Nhi who is a refrigerator manufacturing plant manager. It was a very interesting interview despite the rather uninteresting title of our interviewee. He deals with many different kinds of suppliers and has to meet deadlines, and is in charge of many people (some much older and with higher degrees of education) though he is only a year out of college.
I think the interview went really well, we managed to keep our interviewee relaxed (as he had met a few of us before) and talking most of the time. We actually had to consciously stop and tell him to eat his food occasionally because he would be constantly talking. I heard a few of the kinds of questions that one is not supposed to ask, including from myself, but it did not seem to mater in this situation. Maybe next time we should be more careful.
I'm sad I couldn't attend the second interview because of scheduling conflicts, but he is a friend of one of our group members and is an MC. Another newly developing career in Vietnam. I hope it went well!
But to reflect on my entire experience so far, it has been fabulous. I have been able to get out of my room and even out of Hanoi, two things I was afraid I would not be able to accomplish without the class/program. And even though my service learning project and HANU course are not exactly what I had thought they would be, I am equally as glad I am participating in those. I came to Vietnam in order to meet people whom I would never meet otherwise in my life and to see what I could learn from them, and vice versa. So far I have learned a LOT from the kids I work with at Thanh Xuan Peace Village, even though we can't really speak; and I have learned much from the few but always interesting questions that are asked in my Globalization class. But this is not to say that every day has been easy or even fun. I have had very difficult days where I actually have wished I was at home, but then I usually come home or talk to someone here about anything really, and I start to remember why I came to Hanoi and Vietnam. Some of these more confused occasions come when we go somewhere with a lot of cultural meaning to the Vietnamese students in our group, and they have a sort of connection that I can't have, or feel guilty for trying to look at. I feel awful about being a tourist sometimes, because that is basically what I am, and even worse about being a foreigner. One such occasion was our visit to the Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum where I saw families and older women very dressed up, going to visit a very influential man/possibly idol in their lives, and here I am just looking. I like to think I have a personal connection as well because I have been waiting to do many of these things my whole life, but it is simply not the same and sometimes I feel guilty.
But before I get too wrapped up in the negative, I remind myself that I am here for a purpose and that is valid enough for me. I have had wonderful, life-changing experiences while here and cannot wait for tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. I love Vietnam, with all its idiosyncrasies and people and twists and turns.

Thanh Xuan Peace Village - Communication

This past week was my first experience at Thanh Xuan Peace Village.  I love the children there but have not yet figured out my place there.  Communication is less of a problem than I thought mostly because many of the children don’t need very much Vietnamese to understand me and I have my fellow UC students to help me ask and respond to questions.  Communication with adults is more difficult, however, and I am worried that that will affect my effective-ness at the organization.

The Peace Village as an organization still seems unsure of our intent and have responded to our help in a very reserved fashion.  Upon our arrival we are put in one room with the children and are just told to play with them, rather than help the teacher or help with chores.  I assumed that we would be having a more active role at the Village than assembling block towers with kids for 3 straight hours, only to leave the room when class was dismissed.  It was quite obvious that even the kids were very very bored, but the teacher made no efforts to do anything, and I didn’t think it was my place to offer to teach her class for her, even if I could ask something similar.  I also found it odd that the teachers would just leave at the end of the day without telling us they were leaving or basically checking-in with us at all.

 We were told that the organization needs much help, but Peter and Irene informed me that when they tried to provide help washing dishes they were criticized and eventually pushed out of the wash line.  Mai and I were also asked, in a not altogether friendly manner, why we were there by a man who lived and worked there.  I was not too sure why we were meeting such barriers at Thanh Xuan, but Gerard gave me an new insight saying that they get many foreign volunteers who are only around for one day or are just not very dedicated in general, so they have come to expect less of us than what we are willing to provide.  I would really like to show them that we are dedicated and there for the kids, but we are only around for three more months so I don’t know if that will be long enough to make a dent in these kids lives.

But, as I stated earlier, the kids seem much more receptive to our presence.  When we arrived on Tuesday for our second day I was pleasantly surprised that many of the kids still remembered my name! And after only meeting me one time.  Very surprising from kids I was told would be unable to learn.  I love playing outside with the kids the most because there I can be more active and do more things than sit and pretend I can understand them.  There is also one little girl who wouldn’t speak for a very long time but after Mai chased her around and we kicked a ball together she opened up and would start talking.  That felt great and totally made the experience worth it. 

I know that I shouldn’t really make any judgments about Thanh Xuan Peace Village now as I have only been there twice.  I am hoping this next week will make me more confident in handling the kids and adults and we can all feel more comfortable in the space.